Honesty

It’s Tuesday.  Duh.  Guess what I was watching?  EWL.  It seems that it has become a weekly ritual.

So tonight’s participant was a 30-something single woman who lost her confidence and let herself go.  Hmmm…. does that sound like anyone we might know?  It was a pretty emotional episode – I especially appreciated them showing all the times she completely fell off the wagon.  I would have appreciated even more if they showed how she got back on the wagon, but its only a 2 hour re-cap of her year long journey.

Regardless… 2 key messages I liked from today.

• Honesty – actually admitting where you are, if and when you are struggling, etc.
• Stop striving for perfection – No one is going to be “on plan” every day.  No one is going to hit every planned workout.

I think I’m struggling with both of those right now.  I keep saying that I can’t do blah because I have to go to the gym – whereas in reality I’m just sitting on my couch reading a trashy romance novel or watching tv.  This past weekend’s “drama” (ER visit, hospital stay, being told that my shortness of breath is just in my head *bull shit*, and 80 million follow up doctor appointments) is really getting in my head.  I haven’t been to the gym once this week.  I haven’t gotten to bed on time even once this week.  I haven’t had a day where I’ve eaten on plan.

I get that I need to cut myself a little slack, but at the same time I feel that I’m cutting myself WAY too much slack.  Per every test they ran at the hospital – there is nothing wrong with my heart or lungs.  I have no activity restrictions.  So why can’t I get myself back to the gym?  I don’t need to hit every workout I had planned for the week, but I need to get back in there so I don’t un-do the bit of progress I’ve made so far.

So maybe the take away is balance.  It’s ok to cut myself some slack and not strive for total perfection, as long as I’m still on the journey and making progress.  And admitting where I am and what I’m struggling with is good to a point – but not so much that it turns into a mind-fuck and I can’t get out of my head.

I’m rambling.  Just trying to sort this out for myself.

Extremists

Its Tuesday night and I’ve just finished watching Extreme Weight Loss.  I love this show.  I’ve watched every episode of it – along with The Biggest Loser.  I like this one better because it’s about real transformation.  And while the weight loss is extreme, they take a year to do it, they make you learn to do it while functioning in your real life,  and there is no voting anyone off the show.  I checked to see if I could apply, but apparently I’m not heavy enough.

But watching it is making my think of my unsuccessful efforts.  And if I’m being honest, tonight was yet another binge night. 

Tonight I’ve been thinking back on the various trainers that I’ve worked with and their unique approaches to the ‘right’ way to lose weight. And I’m reflecting on how I failed on every one of those approaches – discarding them for being too extreme in some way.

Don’t get me wrong, every one of these trainers has helped people succeed using their methodology and process, but I failed on every one of them…. Except the most radical approach ironically. 

I won’t go back through all the fads I’ve tried, just the trainer led approaches.

• We had the extremely successful trainer who first got me into food prepping and planning (something I find valuable and still do to this day).  We parted ways because he wouldn’t allow me to do any exercise other than walking on a treadmill or riding my stationary bike – the 2 things I find most boring – saying that a person my size couldn’t handle doing anything more than that.  Ironically, I was 20 lbs lighter than I am now when I met him.
• We had the trainer who decided to use my training sessions as his personal therapy/venting sessions.  I got depressed and stopped going to the gym.
• Followed by the trainer who was training me to run (like run – not walk/jog) a half marathon while my goal was to walk/jog it.  I hated his workouts because they weren’t in line with my goals.
• Followed by the trainer who wouldn’t give me any structured meal plans or workouts – I was supposed to put them together on my own.  Great in theory to teach you how to do this on your own, but why am I paying you? And wouldn’t it be helpful to teach me how to do it?
• Followed by the 300g of protein a day recommendation and FORCING myself to eat even when I’m stuffed.
• Followed by the cut out all gluten, soy, eggs, protein shakes, protein bars, etc.

 I’m probably saying this because – well, it is that time of month and I’m an emotional basket case today.  But I’m just ready to throw the towel in.  Not on my health and fitness goals, but on all of these trainers and their plans.  The amount of money I’ve spent on all of them is just unreal.  I’m ALWAYS on a ‘diet’ and restricting something or another, which causes me to crave that thing like there’s no tomorrow, and I end up bingeing on it – essentially negating all the progress I made in the prev two weeks.  (Like tonight)

What’s the point? 

Today, I just didn’t pack enough food with me.  (I actually forgot to pack my afternoon snack – 1 cup fat free plain Greek yogurt with 1/2 cup of blueberries. Yes. Pre portioned in little containers in my fridge.)  So I went downstairs to Safeway to find something for a snack.  I couldn’t find a thing!  All the individual containers of Greek yogurt were less than 12g of protein and loaded with sugar.  My 1 cup serving is 120cal with 22g of Protein. The deli meats had too much sodium.  The protein bars had either eggs or gluten or wheat or soy or artificial sugar or something I’m avoiding in them.  So I bought 2 x 1L bottles of lime seltzer water and went back to my office.  What did I do an hour later when I was ready to bitchslap people and my stomach was growling…. I went to the damn vending machine and bought a package of famous Amos cookies.

What’s the point?

All this crap is driving me batty.  How the ef can friends of mine eat whatever they want, workout not even half as much as I do, eat donuts and bread when they want to, and still stay ‘normal’ sized?  While I’ve spent the last 23 years on one diet or another with nothing to show for it other than a growing waistline.

What’s. The. Damn. Point?

Hump Day Update

Happy ‘Hump’ Day!  My mood has done a total 180 this week – can you tell?  Definitely not in a funk!

I did a few exciting things this week/today.

• This morning I actually woke up at 6 and got my workout in!  Imagine that!  I need to work on getting to bed by say 11:30, but I think this is totally doable.  I’m partially excited about having the evening free without having to feel guilty for skipping the gym.  The other part of me has no idea what to do with my self tonight.  Resume?
• I now have 3 trips booked, bought, and paid for!  And 2 more in the planning stages.  They may not be the adrenaline fused adventures that I thought I was looking for, but I’m really excited and happy to have fun trips planned and on the calendar.  Like my Dad always says, you should have your next one planned before you get back from the first one.  Great advice!
• Aside from a couple of fleeting moments, I haven’t been comparing myself/my results to others.  I’m competing – in a way – but not comparing and measuring myself based on their progress.  Still some work to do there, but I’m happy with how this week is going.
• I have totally been on plan nutrition-wise … in spite of having a friend come over for dinner on Saturday night who brought cookies and kept offering them to me.  I may have sat there while we watched a movie and silently obsessed about them the entire time, but I didn’t have any!
• I’m a bit behind workout-wise, but cest la vie.  I’m getting it done.

So what’s next?  Well, my resume.  That’s for damn sure.  And I’ve been thinking about putting myself out there again to do the online dating thing.  A while back I had set a weight target – like once I was under BLAH, then I’ll get back into it.  But since I’m trying to stop tying things to ‘after I weigh BLAH’, I’m thinking that isn’t a valid reason to wait.  I’ll give myself a couple weeks to find/take some new pictures and write up a new profile… but no point in waiting on something I want to do because I feel like I should only do it after I hit a weight target.

Anyway.  That’s my update for today.  I’m restless.  Antsy.  And want to go home – to do what, I have no clue.  Just don’t want to be here right now.

More thinking…

I’ll preface and say, Yeah.  I’m still in my funk.  But having my soap box back definitely made me feel better – as did some pretty amazing conversations the past couple of days.

I’m way too ‘in my head’ about a lot of things right now.  I’m not ‘enjoying the moment’ or in a lot of cases – noticing the moment.  I need to change that.  I was having a few conversations this week about what I liked about the ‘old’ me.  I don’t know what happened to her, her crazy adventures, her confidence,  and her happiness.  But I want to go back to being a version of her – not the ‘Sad Sally’ version of me that I feel like right now.

Yeah, still trying to figure out how I do that.

For starters, maybe I need to start listening to my Dad.  He always tells me that I need to keep doing whatever I’m supposed to be doing and not focus on the results.  If I work hard, the results will come.  But as with anything worth it, it will take time.  So rather than getting frustrated by where I am – weight, career, etc – this week I’m going to focus on doing what I need to be doing and being less critical of myself while I do it.

I think it’s succeeding at the day to day things that will help me get my confidence back.

For this week that means sticking to my nutrition plan, hitting all my workouts, and not comparing my results or story with anyone else’s.  It also means getting started on updating my resume.

I get that the ‘after’ picture (weight or career) isn’t necessarily going to instantly make me happy.  But these are two of the biggest things I’m unhappy about right now, so if I’m not working to change them do I really have the right to bitch about them?

In a rut or a funk

Several months ago I posted that I was going to make small changes to help me get out of a ‘rut’.  Well, life got in the way and I’m back in said ‘rut’.  I’m frustrated with my personal life; I’m frustrated with my health; I’m frustrated with my work life; I’m just a big ball of frustration.

So how do I get out of it?  And how do I keep myself accountable for however I decide to do that? – I just sat here thinking about that for a few minutes and didn’t come up with anything concrete.  I’ll have to take a little time to figure that one out.

What do I need right now?  Well I can’t seem to focus, so maybe a venting session so I can try to be productive?

What’s irritating the fuck out of me right now:

• Work – I’m frustrated with the people I work with.  So frustrated that I prefer to work remotely than be around them.  When I come into the office, I just want to smack some of them upside the head.  Yes.  Clearly, I need a change of scenery.  How long have I been saying that without taking any action on it?  Eons.  What will make me take action on it?  Who the fuck knows.
• Weight loss – I spent 8 months working with a health coach or $1600 with a net 3 lbs loss.  I get that a good part of that is on me.  But clearly whatever methods were being used weren’t working for me.  Yet now I feel guilty for switching to a trainer/coach.
• Weight loss – The new trainers have a facebook group.  Yeah, sure.  The conversation in there is motivating.  But when I get in my head about how everyone else in the group is at that point where they are essentially trying to get definition, not achieve major (60lbs) weight loss – well, let’s just say it sucks being the only fat girl in the group.
• Social – I’m back to being a freaking hermit again.  I agreed to not drink for the first 12 weeks of this plan (I’m on week 2) with the exception of a weekend trip to Scottsdale.  Most of my social life revolved around drinking and food, what the fuck do I do now to be social?
• Waiting – I keep tying things to weight loss.  Like after I lose weight, then I’ll …. date, interview for jobs, buy clothes that I like, be happy, etc.  I get that getting to ‘after’ isn’t a magic pill that will make my life perfect.  I’m supposed to be happy with myself now.  Blah Blah Blah.  That whole thing is irritating the fuck out of me.

So there’s my list.  I could spend a god 20 lines bitching about work, but in the back of my head I’m worried about getting specific and someone I work with reading this at some point.  I know, not likely.  But still.  It’s a fear, so I’ll leave it generalized.

What the fuck do I do from here?  How the fuck do I know?  If I did, wouldn’t I just go do it rather than posting a blog bitching about it?  (Is it awful to admit that cursing as much as I have in this post put a smile on my face?)

Clearly, I need to get out of my funk and my rut.  How I do that – I really don’t have a fucking clue.  Guess I’ll have to think about that and get back to you.  But for now, having my soap box and venting kinda helped.

What’s my motivation to get healthy?

As a part of The Bet, my neighbor decided we’d have a question of the week.  The question she sent is throwing me for a loop.  It should be super easy to answer, but it’s not.  At least it isn’t for me.

What’s your motivation to get healthy?  What really gets you off the couch to hit the gym?

Every weight-loss book I’ve ever read has at least a few chapters devoted to finding and focusing on your “Why”.  Yet I don’t know what my “Why” really is.  I know what it should be.  But that stuff hasn’t really spurred me into long-term sustainable action and no, it doesn’t get me off the couch and into the gym.

What should motivate me:

• Reducing my risk of recurrence – higher BMI, higher risk of recurrence
• Not becoming a diabetic – I’m pre-diabetic right now
• Reducing my cholesterol – They are threatening to put me on medication for that as well
• Feeling better – more energy, not getting sick as often, yada yada yada

What I think about at the gym to make myself do an extra set or add another plate:

• My appearance, confidence, and self image – I want it back.  I want to be able to wear nice clothes, look good, and feel good about how I look
• Dating – I don’t want to feel that the men I’m attracted to are out of my league because of my weight
• Removing restrictions – I can’t do all the things I want to do because I don’t have the energy, I’m at the back of the pack and that makes me self conscious, or there’s an actual weight restriction

But even those don’t stop me from ordering pizza when I’ve just had a crappy day – even though there is healthy food in the fridge, make me stop at that second glass of wine when I go out, or avoid throwing those things in my grocery cart that don’t support my goals.

How do I figure out what my real “Why’s” are?  The ones that will get me off the couch on a day when I’m feeling Blah and that will get me to stick to my nutrition plan with out trying to make exceptions.  I know I’ve had them before – hell, for over a year I was in the gym parking lot every weekday before it opened at 5am.  So clearly whatever I was focusing on was a strong enough “Why” to make me stay the course.

But what is that “Why” for me now?  And how do I figure out what it is?

#1 for November – a 7 day Facebook hiatus

This weekend I got to see two of my college roomies.  I had a great time chatting and catching up with them.  They also gave me a great idea for something to try this month.  A week long Facebook hiatus.

I never realized how much time I spend of Facebook.  It was the first thing I pulled up when I woke up and the last thing I was reading before going to bed.  During the day, whenever I was in need of a mental break… Facebook.  I really didn’t think I was that much of an addict.  Clearly I am.  It’s only day 2 and I miss being able to mindlessly pull it up and live vicariously through everyone’s posts.

Kinda makes me think this was a great thing to try!

De-stagnating

I’ve been thinking about how I’m going to start the process of de-stagnating my life.  While I’m sure this is going to evolve as I do this, I’m going to go with a suggestion my Health Coach gave me.  I need to try new things – things that are outside of my comfort zone.

So here’s what I’m thinking… Every month I have to do 2 things I’ve never done before.

No.  That doesn’t sound like a lot and it doesn’t sound like earth shattering change.  But it is totally doable.  If I think I can do more, I’ll up it.  But for now, 2 a month.  What I do – I’m not setting any parameters on that.  It could be to take a class in something I’ve never done, try some kind of food that’s totally new to me, go somewhere I’ve never been, go on Groupon to find ideas on what to try, anything.  It just has to be something I haven’t done before.

I actually have one for last month.  The gun range.  🙂  I had taken a class here and there, but I had never been all by my self.  It took some convincing to get myself to go, but I think I’ve found a fantastic hobby for myself!

Since its still early November, I have time to get 2 in.  I’ll report back after I’ve found a few options!

The Bet

I said I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone, and I did.  Ok, just in a super small way.  But it terrified me, so it counts.  (I’m still figuring out how I’m going to do it in a slightly larger way – more on that later.)

My neighbor started what’s essentially a diet bet – I told her to sign me up.  For most of these things you get to post your weight somewhere where its hidden.  People see the number of lbs that you lose at each weigh-in and your percentage lost.  But you never have to publicly share that god awful number.

For this one, you had to send a picture of the scale to the group.  I nearly had a panic attack  when I was sending that e-mail.  But maybe I needed to fess up and share it.  It’s beyond out of control so maybe putting it out there will make me have some accountability with it?  I figure it’s worth a shot.  So today’s super shitty number is 215.  Yeah.  I let myself get that out of control.

Her diet challenge runs 6 weeks and everyone who loses 3% of their body weight during that time splits the pot – for me that’s 6.5 lbs.  In theory, it doesn’t sound like it should be difficult.  But in reality, whole different story.  I’ve been trying to drop weight for years now with no success.  So what am I going to do differently this time to drop a pound a week?

I better figure that out, huh?

It’s Alive!

Clearly my blog flat-lined – no posts for a year.  Now I find myself missing my soap box and my outlet.  So I’m bringing it back to life!  I don’t have a clear topic of what I want to blog about today or in general, so I’ll just use it as my soap box to share what’s going on in that crazy little head of mine.

What’s on my mind today, you ask. … Change.  Stagnancy.  And figuring myself out.  …  I know.  That’s a lot for my first post in a year.  But now you get why I need my outlet back.

I was going to start with change, but the reason for my wanting change is because I feel like my life is stagnant.  I’m restless.  I feel like I’m in a rut.  I take most things in a negative way because I’m not in the best head space.  I want to break out of it, but I don’t know how to without completely disrupting my world.  But then again, maybe that’s what I need.  I’m definitely considering some changes that would put my world in chaos but before I do something drastic like selling all my worldly possessions to go live in a thatch hut on a beach in Bali, I figure I should try some baby steps.

I’ve been thinking about how I’m going to force change in my life to get rid of that restless/stagnant feeling.  I have a few ideas on what I can do for this, but I need to flush them out a little more before I share them – and commit to doing them.  It will come as no surprise that making health changes is going to be one of my focuses.  But the other one that I’m thinking about is more to do with trying new things that push me out of my comfort zone.

Regardless of how these turn out, I’m optimistic that it will help me get out of my rut!